Monday, March 4, 2013


It's not easy to make her smile. And everytime I'm able to get a glimpse of her smiling face, my breathing stops for a split second. I see the twinkle in her eyes and it somehow makes me feel that she is sharing her happiness, even for a while, at that very moment.

She's a big girl now, she's grown so fast. I can still remember when she was just a tiny bundle of joy I cradled in my arms. I can still remember those sleepless nights I spent, watching her as she slept, making sure she's warm and safe beside me. I can still remember the times when all she could do was lie on her back and move her tiny arms and feet and how her jiggling made me laugh. Those memories stay with me and remain vivid, as if they happened only yesterday.

Iya loves shoes

Sophie wearing Mommy's shoes

I had been very strong. I kept holding on because I wanted so much for her. I wanted to give her what she rightfully deserves: a family, a beautiful life, a great future. I wanted to give her things that I have only dreamt of as a child. I wanted to give her what she should have, not only because she should have them, but also because I grew up knowing how it felt not to have them.

I look at her smiling with bliss that she can only understand and I feel tiny jolts of indescribable pain in my chest, again, for the longest time. Sometimes I hate myself for what we're going through, unconsciously thinking of the unbroken family she will never have. Sometimes, I look at her and feel myself welling up, only because I failed to give her what I know she desperately needs.

My smiling Chicklet

More than anything, I'm happy when she smiles. It's as if my whole world brightens up. I feel encouraged to hope, even if hoping is no longer an option.

Maybe it's not that bad.  I’ll work something out.

Keep smiling baby. Keep smiling for mommy. Keep smiling because mommy can't, anymore.

If all else fails

(This post was originally published on and has been moved after the creation of this blog site dedicated to SOPHIA. Thank you.)

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